Hand him the keys to your Autotune and get the hell out.ĥ:31. Sorry, T-Pain: just like in real life, we don’t need you now that we have Weezy. If a stewardess hands me a tiny bottle of liquor in a minute and then my plane starts shaking but doesn’t crash, I’m going to freak out.ĥ:29. Is it wrong that I’m thinking of buying a Pink album? Maybe this song has created a parallel universe where music is much worse than normal, and as a result Pink seems completely awesome. I didn’t even know it was possible to ruin something that already sucked.ĥ:00. I have resigned myself to your weird turtle-like looks and your insistence on recording four songs a day and even your shitty new “rock” album, but you + Autotune + squealing electric guitars + “We Are the World” = fuck you, Lil Wayne. Bald guy – Michael Stipe? Moby? Why he’s doing that soulful hand thing? That’s it, I’m nodding off until something good happens.Ĥ:48. If they can bring back Michael, anything is possible.Ĥ:28. The rest of this post will be written by ghost Cooper. Oh good, hand clapping and hushed chorus vocals.
We are the world song for haiti how to#
In a short span, Usher showed us how to do tasteful show-offy, and then Celine threw him to the ground, stomped on his fuckin’ throat, and said “WHO SAID YOU COULD BRING THE MELISMA? I COPYRIGHTED THAT SHIT!” Lionel Richie only looked on with disinterest and did some inexplicable hand gestures.Ĥ:07. Ahhh, zombie! Shoot it in the head! SHOOT IT! …Seriously though, Michael looks good for a dead guy. This is what a “We Are the World” vocal part should sound like: just the right combination of seeming like you mean it, eyes closed but not spazzing out or crying, no stupid dramatic hand gestures, and sticking close to the melody. Pink: congratulations, I have nothing snarky to say about you. If, like I did, you remember their hit single “This Love” and can’t get it out of your head for the next four years… I’m sorry.ģ:28. The part of Stevie Wonder in tonight’s performance will be played by that white guy from Maroon 5.
Without question, different music is playing in his headphones than what everybody else is getting.ģ:22. What the.? Holy crap! I think Wyclef mistakenly thought he was booked to do a duet with Capleton today. I don’t care if you do cry – I’m still taking your lunch money, weiner boy.ģ:14. Who just sang the ghost backing vocal for Miley? I didn’t see anyone. The emotive speak-sing of the word “day” is the jump-off-the-turnbuckle that iced this baby.Ģ:52. Babs takes it to the mat here – she said, “I am going to pin this fucking song! I OWN THIS RING!” And who was gonna argue? Nobody, that’s who. And who says he can’t play Anthony Hopkins’s son? …Sorry, this song is already boring the shit out of me.Ģ:34. Ahhh! The introduction of the ghost of Michael Jackson may be tasteless, but it scared me more than “The Wolf Man” and almost as much as Benicio Del Toro’s weird-looking face. When grandpa starts singing, you know it’s time to wrap up the leftover turkey and hide the rest of that case of Coors. Oh check it out, the second coming of Rick Astley.Ģ:03.
This is akin to kicking off your presidency with a promise to rid the world of evil doers – nothing good can follow.ġ:58.
The vocals are introduced by four year old Canadian gaywad Justin Bieber and Autotune. And even the parts you liked will be overwhelmed by the terrible ranch dip and the nachos that sat until the chips turned soggy.ġ:07. I anticipate the same dazzle I get from the fried appetizer platter at your neighborhood shitty pub: superficial promise (chicken fingers AND mozz sticks? get out!) followed by grease-soaked regret and ominous rumblings from the stomach of all who partook. He just promised a “dazzling array” of artists. They’re telling you right up front what you can expect. “Hi, I’m Jamie Foxx.” That’s right, folks – you have no excuse for not closing your internet browser and walking away right now. Here’s my blow-by-blow, suck-by-suck breakdown.Ġ:00.
We are the world song for haiti full#
Now you don’t need to hear “We Are the World 25 For Haiti.”īut if you’re full of morbid curiosity like me, and want the rest of this post to make sense – or perhaps if you’re that rare connoisseur of anything truly ghastly and soul-devouringly horrible – you’ll listen anyway: Before we launch into the cynicism, I’m just going to say: give to Haiti – seriously, they need it. It’s hard to be cynical about relief efforts and treacly but well-intentioned songs released to raise both awareness and funds.
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